Scared Cold

It's been two months since my mom fell very ill, and landed in the hospital leaving me to take on the responsibility of caring for the household including my two little brothers. I do of coarse have my step dad with me, but that's like not even having anybody at all. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my mom or that im not scared shitless or that im not stressed out of my mind beyond belief, because truth be told I am and none of this is easy. I didn't know so much could go wrong, and that there was so much to handle. I'm use to everything handed to me on a silver platter, and now I'm the one taking charge and calling the shots and as it is all new for me it is all very scary. It hurts to hear that my moms condition is very severe, and the chances of her dying compare to living is much greater. I can't see a world with out her, and although we fuss and fight I love her and need her here by myside to guide me. It takes so much strength for me to keep my composure and continue on, and now I appreciate and understand how strong of a person my mom is to handle this all and I miss her very much. Just thinking of it makes me cry, having to pay the bills and worry about the kids and taking care of them which both of them are very sick beyond belief and it scares me to see them that way, I didn't know taking care of another life besides your own could be so difficult and frustrating, but it is. I'm in charge of cleaning, cooking and all that a mother does to keep her house in order and let me say it isn't easy. I feel like running away, because this all too much for me to handle, and I try not to break down and cry but even that is so hard to do. I thank god that I have my boyfriend to help me through the way, and he has been so helpful to me that I am forever greatful. But I fear for what's to come what happens if this is permanant, and my mom does not return how will I deal. I'm scared for my life, and here I am at 4:57 in the morning watching my little brother sick out his mind vomiting in front of me, and me making him soup and trying to do the best I can to make him feel better. It hurts so bad to see him cry saying he misses mom and that he wish she was here, because she knows how to make him feel better. I've never seen him this sick, and hopefully it'll get better. I pray that all this will get better, and I pray that my mom will also get better and return. My faith in god right now is so strong that im putting everything in his hands, because honestly I don't know what to do anymore. I just miss my mom, and want her back so badly, I want things to be how they were before, and I wish nothing but to wake up from this nightmare that I've been living in for these couple of months :(