Girl interrupted

Lately my mind seems to be running in so many directions, and i just can't seem to put a stop to it. My mind is clutter with thoughts that i just can't make out, and the more i try to make sense the more i feel as if i'm going insane. Why am i attacking myself for what was brought upon me. I never agreed to take on such responsibilties that i was yet not ready for, i wasn't ready to take on caring for another life. I could barely keep my life together so how did it all make sense that i would care for two more. No cared to hear me out, and when i spoke, i was considered selfish, and ignorant, but how do i take on something i have no knowledge of, where if something goes wrong it's my fault. I didn't want to take on such challenge. How come noone ever thought how would i feel, what toll this might take on me. Now i'm stuck feeling like i can't breathe, where every decision i make is being veiwed closely under a microscope. I feel as if i'm being shred to pieces for trying my best, where my best is never good enough. Everyone tells me you have to be strong, you have to keep cool. Fuck being calm fuck being cool or strong or whatever it is that you want me to be, because the truth is i just can't. How can i when i'm being attacked for my efforts left and right, and screaming is just a waste, because they'll just drown that out as if i seize to exist. I want an end to this on going nightmare when will enough be enough. Where's the understanding, where's the apprecitaion for all that i've done. Just thrown into the sharks to save you, and i don't even get a thank you. But i carry on with a smile, and act as all is fine just because i'm told to it's not. have you ever thought that i feel abandoned, and i know it's wrong of me to say because your in so much pain. But i can't continue to act as if all is fine, when in all reality i'm not. I'm panicking and i don't know what to do, i feel as if my best is just not enough. And everything that could go bad does go bad,and things continue to turn for the worst. I need to break free, but i'm stuck here till you come back, and it's hurts me so much, because as i await for your arrival, my thoughts are slowly eating me alive. Why does this have to happen to me, i just feel torn and hurt and stuck in pain and i just can't find an end to it. I wish i could wake up from it all, but i can't because unlike a dream this is real, and it's what i call my life.